2009- 2000 me

The reasons are many why i abandoned the words why the words abandoned me. But here I am.  Needing them, Needing me.

I looked over the words and had a few friends tell me they missed the writing me. I missed the writing me too. So I’m contemplating. Starting over. Doing some new things. It’s time to step out. Do what I need to do.

Not because there is a sketchy audience. But, b/c it needs to be done.

This is what i’ve been thinking about. I wonder if there is a space for me.

I’m cryptic. I’m still tentative and careful. The wounds are closed, but the wounds still exist.

honestly

i’d be lying if i said i didn’t think about you

hourly/ daily / weekly

2ndly

i

have you all across the landscape of my mind

but i can’t gather enough courage to acknowledge

that maybe i was wrong

that i’d be willing to make it work

that i’d like us to move on

honestly

this relationship has always scared the shit out of me

maybe it’s too bare to honest tooooo

much

but it seems like we’ll never know

now that i finally made a decision to clear my mind

you take offense to my time

and i wonder what you really feel

when your not being all nonchalant and shit

honestly…

do you miss me?

no where to run, no where to hide

i’ve had perhaps the happiest few weeks of my life.

i think im shedding my skin.

but change is always hard for me.

i feel like there is no where to go where people will hear me clearly. Without all the static and thebullshit.

i have people out to defame my character, “take” my man, call me names, steal my words, etc..etc..and all i want is to be wealthy and happy.

maybe my issue is trying to understand other people when all i really need to do is understand myself. i guess this looks like a pity party. i don’t want it to be. i’m growing, im learning. ijust dont like but need change all the same..

so be it..

let me be like the butterfly. they follow me everywhere. maybe my lesson lies in being fluid with the change instead of fighting against it..

we shall see

bbgl

“i’m a come at you like a spider monkey”

im not quite sure what a spider monkey moves like.. but….that shit scares the shit outta me.

I told a friend of my recent tribulations and they told me to tell the offending party that ” i would come at them like a spider monkey”

i fell out of my chair. I think it’s good advice.. now how do we apply it properly hahaha

bbgl

where does this leave me now?

can’t expect for him to understand.. the parts of me i yet don’t understand…he’s just a man

& i’m just a litle girl lost trying to be a woman … he don’t understand … ain’t no man ever take my hand. . . show me to the promised land.. of daddy’s and little girls… big brother & lil sis… no one…

been defiant for some time.. thinking i been alright… without him. but he’s been out of my life since 3… and the role of stepdaddy. had me feeling like Cinderella ….i made it to the ball, on my own accord. . . paid for in my own accord. I play the self reliant role well. ain’t no other way. but to do … what she’s gotta do… but what happens when… she needs to lean on you.. and you …

play the role of little boy thinking he’s a man. daddy’s been gone way too long.

we think we know. think we did allright. and maybe we did in comparison.. but we’re lacking .. the basics of life and love.. and maybe it’s too late to be looking back .. for someone to have our back… but when we come together we lack the very things that should keep us back from falling back into this gap of life and love and lies…

we’ve been here many times. & maybe we shouldn’t be. maybe we should be learning the lessons. you pout i point we shout… but this love don’t get out the way it needs too. love don’t get shared the way we need too. I been looking in your in-corrections like you can correct my imperfections.. but im a little black girl lost… falling in love with a little brown boy lost… and it makes me wonder.. do we learn from the mistakes or keep on falling..

where does this leave me (us)now?

(C) bbgl

crazy

i am slowly going crazy, crazy going slowly am i…

and i’m taking everyone wit me. come alone guys!

i think in my own passive aggressive way I have gotten rid of the boy/man. he says he loves me constantly. I don’t blv him, he needs more people.

and one of them need not be the chick he cheated on me with. she loves him much

more than i do.

anyhoo.

so i’ve been debating on the decision of a dilema.

and instead of going out of town. I used the time to sleep and decide.

Sleep was received a desicion has yet to be. so…

in my own passive aggressive way. I denied everyone the beauty of my presence

including the boy/man and now he’s pissed/ mad and not talking to me.

wonderful…..

mean while back at the ranch. I am slowly going sane? i thought time without him would

make me feel like i was dying.

but that numb space within me that i’ve been holding onto for the past few months.

Well it’s not feeling so numb.

So maybe by ignoring me the way i ignored him. I’m receiving my answer.

Maybe, I can live without the boy/man and maybe he’ll learn that i finally don’t care.

B/c after all b/c i need space means Fuck You!

maybe just maybe im missing the point

im love with a man who loves me/ but can’t make the time for me that i need

i’m feeling lonely

and were not friends with benefits/ it’s more than that

but lately

im feeling lonely

and i miss the way he used to hold me

when he just got to know me

and maybe im being too needy

and maybe along the way we both got greedy

but tonight

i need him

and he’s no were to be found

and im just feeling right now

like im just a little bit lonely

i just need him to hold me

like he did when he didn’t real know me

but he wanted to

love me like you want me to

love me like you want to

know me

before you knew me

and the pain

and the stress

and the days of life

interwoven into our

sex

and

being

before

he says/ she says and i say ….

ive never been one for drama..but he said…he’d never hurt me

but he has. i got into this thing thinking i could handle it. Thought immersing myself in the drama, just tipping my toe in for a second could cause me no harm. I forgot i was an empath. I forgot how i was a day dreamer. I got caught up. And then i wanted out. BADLY. so i lied. It was hilarious. I have know participated fully in the drama. The only thing i haven’t done is gone down to meet this silly chick. And i should.. but the one thing i haven’t told either one of them.

Them being he (my 3yr boyfriend) and she (the mistress) is that i have been out of this relationship going through the motions for some time now. Some time (like 2 years) and she contacting me dragged me right back into the middle of something i really didn’t want a part of. I got emotional. I got sucked in and then i realized. I got made a fool of. And i (being the author the fool) realized this chick had been reading my blog. The blog i now no longer keep because she (the mistress) has been going back the 5 years i have kept it and reading my life and using it against me. I read my blog and then read hers, then read her blog again and then read me and realized. She reads my blog and much like the young writer i used to be who used to study Nikki Giovanni and Langston Hughes and then copycat the stylistic points i liked ; she writes a blog similar to mine only…. she copies my style. The poems the entries are mirror like and oddly scary.

This chick not only says she fucks “my man” (remember im out >remember…) but she’s fucking me. Mentally and blogally. And in that aspect this non identity having chick has GOT me Good… and she’s giving me the shaft in a major way.. So how did the blog i used to start as cartharsis after a major breakup and then used to loosely chronicle my life (b/c i never wrote it all) how did that become a weapon of mass destruction??

now he’s upset, and she’s lost and i’m feeling freerer every day that i realize.. I’ve been sucked into a maxtrix by looney tunes and i in the end will triumph over this hurdle.. so i am good.. i’m just wondering how i allowed my self to be sucked in .. i mean.. i only wanted to dip my toe in.. how did i fall into the water??

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